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Detox/retox February!

25 Feb

I’ve been detoxing for the last two weeks.  It was actually really manageable (read: I wasn’t hungry and didn’t feel deprived or even a little bit sad).  I did however spend an inordinate time in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, feeling like a much less sexy version of Nigella.  I’d suggest the broccoli soup, lentil and sweet potato stew, broccoli and chickpea salad, oat and banana pancakes, and insist upon the blueberry and mint smoothie and mango and tahini smoothie.  Delight.

My chocolate and caffeine cravings didn’t really abate though and I do find a very early morning practice a thing of wonder when I’ve got a shot of espresso in me.  Hello focus.  Hello energy.  Hello prana.  So, you could say that I’m re-toxing (and this guy is in my kitchen’s future).

2013 has so far been a whirlwind – new job, new adventures, a feeling of things falling into place (and a whole new life in a matter of days!) – and my ever present anxiety kept at arm’s length, despite some considerable change and stress.  My ball juggling skills are at an all time high (and my to do lists at an all time extreme length), but my goals to keep some perspective and not think too far into the future seem to be mostly intact.

Deep breathing.

Blueberry/avo/mint smoothie

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Summer loving

7 Jan

There’s very little that beats a proper beach holiday, especially one spent with your family on the KwaZulu-Natal North Coast.  My childhood was spent in Natal – the Drakensberg, Ballito, Southbroom – and there’s something about those long, steamily lethargic days, palm trees, breezy sugar cane, occasional shoes and a wide assortment of creepy-crawlies that makes for a true mind/body break.

After the yoga/sea swimming/pool swimming/book reading/afternoon napping routine I established, I feel like I might have a handle on 2013.  The overarching theme of my 2012 was ‘anxiety’, deeply coloured chartreuse.

2013 will be light, easy and the colour of drizzly Zinkwazi sunsets – stimulating, diverse work, health, love, a lot of humour and perspective, continuing bravery, some exotic travel, and steady, seamless flow. I’m ready.

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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out

5 Dec

2012.  Not my favourite year.  Not many people’s favourite year.  Roll on 2013.

I enjoyed 2011.  It was tumultuous, but I felt like I came into my own, discovered myself again, got a little braver and faced up to some loss.

2012 was a slog.  I feel like I had to face ALL of my stuff, ALL of the time, backed up by a voracious pace of months speeding by, deadlines to meet, events to attend, hearts to mend and self analysis to see to.

In terms of the ‘wasn’t all bad’, I did finally stand up from backbends and drop back by myself (buoyed up by some heady love hormones which kicked the Jaws theme tune I’d been hearing for months in the teeth), buy a Gregor Jenkin table (which makes my eyes glad), see Scandinavia, practice with David Swenson and Laruga Glaser, and have many moments of happiness with my many dazzling, funny and wonderful friends, including getting lost at OppiKoppi for 7 hours and sleeping in a drunk stranger’s tent (which was a frozen, dusty hell at the time, but hilarious in hindsight).

I also then had to face some startling disappointments, deal with some overwhelming anxiety and contemplate depression (and my various feelings about being “depressed”) for the first time in many years. Some boredom-induced creative block, and some information overload and what must be over-stimulation ADHD, left me high and dry and unable to write, with just a deep down rage on the simmer.

I’ve also become extremely time sensitive with age – when I was in my 20′s months would pass with me feeling love sick and heartbroken.  Now I feel like there is no time to waste being sad … that doesn’t mean though that I’m not sad – I’m just more aware of time passing, days disappearing, with me feeling bereft in the ‘prime of my life’.  Added to this I’ve also become more aware of my body changing as I head into my 30′s, triggering more feelings of clocks ticking time away.  Tick tock.

In closing I’m hoping the Mayans were right.  Bring on a consciousness shift.

 

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Ashtanga bootcamp

19 Jul

I’m aware of the oxymoron.

But still.  The month of July sees my once-weekly ashtanga students challenged to a month of a dedicated (6 days a week, less moon days) ashtanga practice.  And because they are competitive, achiever types, a ‘bootcamp’ challenge seemed like the right thing to do to get the end result of a committed self-practice … Machiavellian yoga?

Okay, and it’s a little about me too.  It’s winter: cold and dark.  I needed some motivation to get up in the morning.  And a daily adjustment in supta vajrasana.  

They’re half way.  And it’s amazing to watch as the layers begin to peel back … falling down the ashtanga rabbit hole :)

xx

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Things I learnt this week

13 Apr
  • Jo Malone Wild Fig and Cassis is flipping intoxicating.  I’d jump straight into bed with me if I could.  Really.
  • I have my backbends, but now I’m terrified of losing them.  Like really scared that I just won’t know how to stand up or drop back any more.  Poof!
  • Yoga leaves no room for wool-pulling over my own eyes.  I’ve had an anxious, distracted week and that anxiety and distraction has not dissipated while hanging out in kapotasana … in fact, it’s heightened to the point where I’m in child, on my mat, wondering how on earth I’m ever going to get up.  Through yoga I’ve become so aware of where my emotions sit in my body – twitching feet, aching nausea, restless tossing and turning at night, and gnawing anxiety in my belly.  Yoga forces me to deal with everything I feel, immediately … sometimes I’d rather eat a slab of chocolate and drink alcohol, but mostly I’m glad that I cannot duck and dive facing my stuff.
  • There’s nothing like family to make you examine your beliefs, prejudices and issues.
  • There’s also nothing like a pretty, waif-like blonde, studying mathematics masters (and getting 100% for all her exams) to make you question your own judgemental jumped-to conclusions.
  • Tea solves many problems.

And finally, some Easter humour:

Hello weekend.

xx

Coming down

10 Apr

I’m very keen on long weekends.  I look forward to them for months.  And then I get a Friday and a Monday off and I sink into putty-like depression.  It’s the being thrown right out of routine that does it I think.  And perhaps the sugar overload.  And red wine drinking.

Easter was spent on a lovely farm in Dullstroom, eating, drinking and talking myself into a state of shut-down.

On the plus side, the pomegranate rice dish I made was delicious and had meat-eaters queuing up for seconds.

Now just to get back into my work week.  I think I need an evening ashtanga practice and this:

Looks delectable right?  Find the recipe here.

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Fast and furious (kind of)

7 Dec

It’s funny how a fast works.  Day 1 is easy peasy.  Day 2 is hell.  And day 3 is still pretty hellish, but manageable.  And on all 3 days your relationship with food, and thus your body, is exposed.  It’s a highly uncomfortable process.

I’ve just finished a 3 day juice fast.  Today I break the fast, and let me tell you, breaking a fast is about as interesting as being on a fast.  It’s hard to decide what I feel like eating – the past three days I’ve wanted tea and biscuits … a lot.  But now I’m not sure what the hell I feel like eating.  My stomach feels tender and everything I place in my mouth is contemplated; which I guess is the point. 

I also am very much aware of how I distract myself from myself with food; how food is both a reward and punishment when I’m feeling miserable, and a trip to the kitchen cupboard is a nice way of circumventing painful and/or stressful thoughts. 

Since a teenager I’ve had a complicated relationship with food (pretty much the status quo for every woman in the world).  It’s certainly become less complicated the older I’ve become, the more therapeutic processes I’ve committed to, and the more yoga I’ve practiced.  But drinking juice three times a day and nothing else (except water) is one way to bring yourself face-to-face with your food desires and cravings,  and how you are feeling when you have them (and how you feel when all you can have is a cucumber, carrot, celery, ginger and apple juice … not happy is the answer!).

It’s also a good way to really appreciate the effect food has on the body.  My practice this week while fasting has varied from elated, to dismal, light and fantastic, to light-headed and weak.  And so as I slowly start adding variety, whole-foods and protein back into my diet, I’m going to watch what happens to my morning practices.  What we eat is so very many things – comfort, culture, social connection, reward, desire, loneliness, heartache – but mainly its fundamental to how we operate in the world, and the quality of our experience therein. 

Fuel, plain and simple.  But then there’s nothing plain and simple ever, is there?

These two blogs make my foodie, fast-breaking day.  Enjoy.

http://www.mynewroots.blogspot.com

Jen xx

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Thanks for coming November

28 Nov

This has been a week I’d rather forget (and believe me, I’m all about seeing patterns and learning from them, etc, etc, but damn the last 7 days have kicked my ass!).  In fact November (I usually love November as it’s my birthday month and indicates all sorts of much anticipated things like summer holidays, beaches, sea swimming and sleeping in late), has been a month from hell.  Really.  November 2011 almost had me in the ground (or at least on some serious coping medication).

And the last weekend in November pulled out all the stops and said: “Hey, bitch, you are 30 and awesome and everything, but for fuck sakes can you please sort your shit out!”  Take three ex-boyfriends, one foot-in-mouth friend, too much wine, some insane blasts from the past, a long-desired unrequited flame, a bad case of an inability to say ‘no’ and some wild hormones, and you have the following:

  • Exhaustion on a very basic level (and finally making some decisions because something had to give)
  • A realisation that even when money is good, toxic work environments contaminate your soul (and may led to homicide)
  • Ex-boyfriends arriving in your space literally one behind the other is something to take note of.  Some represent a youthful love that has a special place in your heat always, but is so very far removed from who you are now; some represent something you’ve always wanted, never had, and on reflection may not want at all anymore; and some just leave a bitter-sweet taste in your mouth and a desire to shake your head and shout “Really?! Really?!”. 
  • Being on The Pill is not a joke and the beginning of that journey shouldn’t be taken lightly, because: goodbye contraceptive pill, hello mad moods and a body in turmoil. 
  • When I am unable to practice every morning, I need to reassess.  When I am hating practicing, my body hurts all over and I keep hitting snooze, taking a few days off is ok.
  • Thank God for the lightness of retail (thank you Anthropologie):

 

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Beyond November

2 Nov

It’s a case of over-commiting and under-delivering, which is not a great place to be as a freelancer.  It’s where I find myself now though, with the end of the year hurtling towards us.

I have a string of jobs on the go, with every minute of every day accounted for.  I also have a whole lot of amazing ideas crashing around my head and I’d love to devote some proper time to them (and get a business plan penned), but there isn’t any.  So I am waiting for the beginning of December when everything should start settling – the schools break for the year (no more kids yoga), one of my contacts ends, and work pretty much starts winding down to shutdown, Kenton, Cape Town and Mozambique.  Holding on!

One thing I’m tying my hardest not to cut (when all I want is more sleep) is my practice. 

Ashtanga is usually practiced in a studio without mirrors, which is something I like.  I’m not terribly fond of the observation of my reflection, although there is something to be said for it, as I discovered:

  • My chaturanga is a bit odd in terms of symmetry and I can’t decide if that’s why my elbows are sore (golfer’s elbow, can you believe it?!  The irony: I go out of my way to avoid golfers, who eat away weekends walking with their mates, chasing little white balls)
  • My practice is different – sometimes I forget (although I say it to my students all the time), but the more you practice, the more your body changes (it’s actually a no-brainer)
  • I have muscles and my body has changed considerably in the last 3 years
  • A look in the mirror really illustrates the point: We can sometimes feel so very different in our body’s to how we look to the world and how the world perceives us
  • A mirror is a distraction: good for alignment and a lightbulb moment, but then it’s better to put aside reflections.  And that goes for every day.  Throw away mirrors and scales :)

Thanks Kino:

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Weekend recap

10 Oct

I’ve outdone myself this year.  And now my body is outdone.  A couple of months with Olivier, travelling Ashtanga teacher, and I feel like I need a long moment on my bed.  Ahimsa may need to be reevaluated.

My week/weekend (despite lack of sleep) was a very cool one. Here’s a recap:

  • There’s such a thing as too much yoga
  • Teaching kids makes me happy (although I’m still feeling stressed about being “fun enough”)
  • It’s almost time for my 30th birthday and although I’m feeling freaked out about aging, I’m also relieved that this year has been one where so many things have come together (and apart) for me.  Finally I’m able to balance happiness and sadness, and feel deep-down that my days are filled with the ‘right’ things and people
  • The desire to leave SA is still strong, but I’ve come to realise that I enjoy the depth of relationships I have when I’m at home – I’m not really a skipping along the surface kind of person
  • There’s a tension in the air at the moment – not necessarily a bad one, just a stretched feeling, as though everyone is being pushed into discomfort.  Without a doubt this year people are having to deal with their shit
  • Coldplay push my melancholy button in just the right way

    We're at Coldplay!

  • A musician on stage is an irresistible aphrodisiac
  • Everyday I become more aware of the many layered nature of yoga – the benefits are immediate, but the deeper layers of the practice take years to reveal themselves, possibly because it takes years to become aware of the subtleties
  • Once is a mistake, twice is a choice
  • Next year is the year I buy a horse

Jen x

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