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Things I learnt this weekend

23 Apr
  • The friends I have are some of the best people in the world
  • Unexpected things happen when you take your power back
  • Even more unexpected things happen when you say ‘yes!’ to people, to events, to life
  • A long distance call can save a Sunday
  • I love women.  It’s a pity men make my bones melt
  • Men are mostly stupid (throw rocks at them)
  • Even if you’ve known someone for years and years you can still miss each other when it comes to explaining matters of the heart
  • It’s never really about the sex
  • And it’s never fun not getting what you really, really want
  • Forthright.  Honest.  Authentic.  Tell someone you love them (and put aside your expectations)
  • Magic sometimes happens at rock bottom

It wasn’t the best weekend I’ve ever had; but it was jam-packed with emotion, conclusions, disappointment and some truth-telling.

Things I learnt this week

13 Apr
  • Jo Malone Wild Fig and Cassis is flipping intoxicating.  I’d jump straight into bed with me if I could.  Really.
  • I have my backbends, but now I’m terrified of losing them.  Like really scared that I just won’t know how to stand up or drop back any more.  Poof!
  • Yoga leaves no room for wool-pulling over my own eyes.  I’ve had an anxious, distracted week and that anxiety and distraction has not dissipated while hanging out in kapotasana … in fact, it’s heightened to the point where I’m in child, on my mat, wondering how on earth I’m ever going to get up.  Through yoga I’ve become so aware of where my emotions sit in my body – twitching feet, aching nausea, restless tossing and turning at night, and gnawing anxiety in my belly.  Yoga forces me to deal with everything I feel, immediately … sometimes I’d rather eat a slab of chocolate and drink alcohol, but mostly I’m glad that I cannot duck and dive facing my stuff.
  • There’s nothing like family to make you examine your beliefs, prejudices and issues.
  • There’s also nothing like a pretty, waif-like blonde, studying mathematics masters (and getting 100% for all her exams) to make you question your own judgemental jumped-to conclusions.
  • Tea solves many problems.

And finally, some Easter humour:

Hello weekend.

xx

Resoultion 101

19 Jan

I’m back from a delicious holiday and almost fully back into my work year.  It’s not easy.  I’ve spent the last two weeks booking holidays and yoga workshops for 2012, which has gone some way to boosting my ‘looking forward to’ quotient.  I’ve also, since I landed (thump!) back from dreamy Mozambique, put together a list of resolutions, which looks something like this:

Joy board

I did a joy boarding exercise last night, which is a creative couple of hours where you let your mind go and page through various magazines looking for images that make your heart sing (attaching no meaning/judgements to the images that attract you; i.e. no “that’s really materialistic/superficial and so not me”).  These were them, and they (and what they represent) are where my joy is at for 2012. 

 
Not everything is literal (although a man covered in whipped-cream might well be): for instance luxury items may symbolise wealth, upping fees in line with worth, demanding a little more pay for services rendered; while fit bodies could mean getting in shape, or in my case, a more groundedness/rootedness in the body. 
 
It’s a deeply personal activity, and can offer some insights into where you are in your life, where your priorities lie right now, and what you actually really, really want.  And it should leave you feeling happy, joyful and excited for the future.
 
Jen x

Vegetarian guilt

13 Nov

I braced myself and watched Earthlings yesterday. Ok, so I watched the trailer, but that was more than enough.  I was 4 seconds in and sobbing, and 20 seconds in I was gagging.  It’s the kind of movie where the images live with you for days afterwards, and part of me wants to jump off a high building because I feel so utterly devastated by the state of the humans in this world.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 16 years and seeing documentaries like this reminds me why I became a vegetarian at 14 and why I still am one.  I’ve never been a preachy veggie, but there are days, like today, where I feel pretty damn militant.  I think the problem is that so many people have no idea where their meat comes from (and it’s not from the meat aisle in Woolies, FYI…) and they remain completely (and mostly by choice) uneducated about the treatment of the world’s animals (and not just in terms of the meat industry: fur, testing on animals, puppy mills, hunting, whaling…it’s an almost inexhaustible list). 

[I get that you like meat, but, really, you like it that much?  And, no, you do not need it. Really.]

And then I get to thinking about my own place in the world, and maybe I need to re-evaluate.  Perhaps being vegetarian is not enough.  I was a vegan for 2 years, many years ago, and damn, veganism is hard work, and shit, I like milk chocolate and dairy products, but maybe that isn’t the point.  Just because it’s hard and hampers my social life, doesn’t mean that I should be eating animal products, or anything that supports the exploitation of animals – maybe it’s about making sacrifices for the things you really believe in.

It also means not buying leather handbags, belts, shoes and flipping gorgeous leather biker jackets; it means being educated about eating locally and sustainably, knowing the lifecycle of the food you consume, recycling, and checking the contents of all the products you use and eat/drink, even if they happen to be products that promise to takes years off your age, or are things you love to eat. 

It becomes completely unnerving if you start to think about the implications of everything you do and everything you buy, and I feel a quite defeated, I have to say.  What impact does my veganism have on the people slamming clubs into seal skulls, or those walking through the litres of terror and blood on abattoir floors every day?

I’m not sure where to next.  Sign up with Green Peace and hope to make a difference in a world consumed by money and small-mindedness, or give it all up and sit atop a mountain in the Himalayas with just the clothes on my back, meditating and living on air and water?

http://www.earthlings.com/swf/preview-earthlings.swf
Make the Connection. EARTHLINGS.com

A change in decades and a decade of changes

3 Nov

This weekend is a birthday weekend.  A 30th birthday weekend.  Here’s what happens when you change digits so monumentally (and turning 30 is a big deal, let nobody tell you otherwise):

  • You realise that you were a jerk at 21 to think that everyone over 26 had one foot in the grave (and that they had life all figured out)
  • You have decided who you love and who you don’t – you have a select group of friends who you respect, admire and who make you laugh.  It’s awesome
  • You’ve had your heart shattered, indulged in some pretty crazy obsessive behaviour (in the name of love of course), usually succumbed to some pretty intense depression, taken some drugs, partied like you should (and thought you should), slept with inappropriate people, kissed people of the same sex for the attention, hated your body, loved your body, mistreated your body
  • You have worked your way through your issues, sometimes paying years’ worth of therapy bills.  You can now eloquently describe your stuff and why it’s there (even if you’re still not sure how not to repeat those same old patterns)
  • You’ve experimented – sexually, with your career, with your diet, with your chemicals, with your style
  • You know what you believe in – things like vegetarianism, living as green a life as possible, buying organic, local and in season
  • You have identified the big loves in your life – the important, significant relationships that you’ll still be thinking about when you are 94.  Maybe they never worked out, but there will always be one or two people that give you goosebumps just thinking about them; people you will love forever
  • You’ve discovered the strength of both hormones and the sun
  • You’ve travelled with just a backpack and haven’t given much thought to putting money away for a rainy day
  • You don’t really care so much what other people think
  • You know what you like, who you are and what you will and won’t accept
  • You also know that what you know isn’t really all that much, and that having an open-mind is your biggest asset
  • You’ve learnt through lengthening and strengthening that all the hype about yoga isn’t just hype
  • You know that people change; everything changes.  All the time.  Your joy is your number one priority. 

I don’t really feel very different to what I did at 27 (that’s the age I still think I am), but I feel way different to what I did at 21 (thank God).  2011 has been a wild but wonderful year – pretty much 3 years in the space of 11 months – and although I didn’t really have a list of things that I ‘would be’ or ‘would have’ at 30, I do feel like my 30th year has been bloody phenomenal, with so many things coming together (sometimes through coming apart).  I by no means have very much figured out, but I can say that I am happy: being the age I am now is flippingawesome.com.

A&P

23 Oct

There’s nothing like a weekend of anatomy and physiology to make you appreciate the human body.  It’s a startlingly complex system and it’s amazing that that vast proportion of the body’s processes work pretty much perfectly in so much of the population.  A little page turning in an anatomy and physiology textbook is enough to get you over your cellulite (just about).

What a week!  Female hormones cannot be underestimated, especially those caused by the body readjusting itself after a good 10 years of being on The Pill.  It’s been messy, to say the least, and I’m not sure the next few months are going to be any better.  Here’s what I learnt (in between the crying):

  • I prefer aggressive to passive aggressive
  • I am a freelancer and have my own businesses for very good reasons, many of which relate to being unable to tolerate micromanagement by control freaks and office politics
  • I’m good and proper tired.  I managed to relish in eustress for a good while, but now I’ve hit distress
  • I’m about to embark on a little dietary experiment – I want to cut out all processed goodies and sugar and stimulants, and see what happens to my practice and my mood.  I’m loath to begin the  process though – I know it’s not going to be too much fun – but hopefully the benefits will reveal themselves asap
  • I have a brand new business idea buzzing around my head and I’m getting excited – this might be just the thing to tie everything together (and it’s awesome that it all feels like it’s coming together as I approach 30!)
  • The need for physical contact cannot be underestimated
  • I love this exhibition: HORSE.  It’s the stomping hooves, chomping jaws, soft muzzles, liquid eyes, twitching muscles, flicking tails, hot breath and clip-clop of horse shoes on tar roads that I miss
  • It’s only when people are real, in all their vulnerability and insecurity and fear, that we feel like we really know and love them.  And it’s only when we are real with other people, even if we worry that they’ll think less of us or that we’ll be ‘too much’ or ‘too exposed’ that we become fully present and real ourselves
  • My practice is my number one priority
  • Craniosacral therapy is so very odd – I hate that I’m not “good” at it, that it works almost fully in metaphors that I don’t really get it just yet – CST is based to some extent in medicine and the body’s physical structures, but also so much of it is allegorical, layered, bizarre and inexplicable, while at the same time being sometimes tangible and revealing real results.  It’s straight weird! 

Namaste

Jen

Weekend recap

10 Oct

I’ve outdone myself this year.  And now my body is outdone.  A couple of months with Olivier, travelling Ashtanga teacher, and I feel like I need a long moment on my bed.  Ahimsa may need to be reevaluated.

My week/weekend (despite lack of sleep) was a very cool one. Here’s a recap:

  • There’s such a thing as too much yoga
  • Teaching kids makes me happy (although I’m still feeling stressed about being “fun enough”)
  • It’s almost time for my 30th birthday and although I’m feeling freaked out about aging, I’m also relieved that this year has been one where so many things have come together (and apart) for me.  Finally I’m able to balance happiness and sadness, and feel deep-down that my days are filled with the ‘right’ things and people
  • The desire to leave SA is still strong, but I’ve come to realise that I enjoy the depth of relationships I have when I’m at home – I’m not really a skipping along the surface kind of person
  • There’s a tension in the air at the moment – not necessarily a bad one, just a stretched feeling, as though everyone is being pushed into discomfort.  Without a doubt this year people are having to deal with their shit
  • Coldplay push my melancholy button in just the right way

    We're at Coldplay!

  • A musician on stage is an irresistible aphrodisiac
  • Everyday I become more aware of the many layered nature of yoga – the benefits are immediate, but the deeper layers of the practice take years to reveal themselves, possibly because it takes years to become aware of the subtleties
  • Once is a mistake, twice is a choice
  • Next year is the year I buy a horse

Jen x

Retreating

4 Oct

My blog has been severely neglected in the last few weeks – a life in hyperdrive! Two weeks ago I was in Mozambique for a week’s yoga retreat with Ekam. It was simply awesome. Here’s what I learnt:

  • Tofo hasn’t changed that much in 8 years (which is great, considering the influx of tourists and the nasty neglectful attitude of most humans)
  • Flying to Inhambane is a wonderful experience – 3 hours later and you’re there
  • I life running a little backpackers in Mozambique is a truly appealing thought
  • Beer in Mozambique is delicious (after a day on the beach especially)
  • There are amazing people in the world
  • Matapa (a spinach/coconut milk mix) is delectable
  • South Africans have some entertaining things to say
  • Heartbreak and its effects cannot be underrated
  • I can sometimes be a little reckless and attach too much meaning to coincidence and connection
  • I’m a flirt (this one I’m still grappling with)
  • Sustained concentration during practice is a tough one for me (don’t even get me started on meditation)
  • Judgmental, egotistical attitudes pervade the more enlightened and those living fearfully in a box
  • Backbends remain my much loved nemesis (“heart open, heart open!”)
  • Timing, timing, timing
  • Joy is the middle point between comfort and discomfort 
  •  Choosing the unavailable is sometimes a way of keeping vulnerability at bay
  • Men who love dogs and kids are a potent sex appeal cocktail
  • Yoga has altered my body image drastically (for the better) but I can still feel incredibly awkward in my skin (there’s a disconnect between internal feeling and external appearance)
  • Talking a big talk is easy

Jen x

It’s all good

10 Aug

Sheesh I’m feeling weird today.  Comes from a public holiday mid-week I guess, and the fact that my heart/head situation is not really that balanced right about now (along with feeling dishevelled in the body department).

Click to make everything ok.  A little easier than the make-everything-ok pill (those buggers are just false advertising)

Jen

Internal dialogue

27 Jul

A very wise friend said some very wise things to me last night, one of which was this: “None of us are parented the exact way we would’ve liked.  Parenting just doesn’t work like that.  What that allows though is a deep understanding of the things we would’ve liked our parents to do, and so allows us to know just how we’d like to be loved. In that sense the best advice I can ever give anyone is to treat yourself as you would treat your own child – it’s very likely that you’ll offer your own child as much loving support as they need, and that you’d never speak to your own child with the same tone and same harsh words as your speak to yourself.”

I know from talking to my own mother that she thinks I’m pretty damn awesome, and I think that can be said for most moms and dads out there – my mom just wants me to be happy, whatever that entails.  From now on I’m going to try my very best to monitor my internal dialogue, the one that can be so very damaging and violent, saying things to myself that I’d probably never say to my worst enemy.

Jen x

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