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Resoultion 101

19 Jan

I’m back from a delicious holiday and almost fully back into my work year.  It’s not easy.  I’ve spent the last two weeks booking holidays and yoga workshops for 2012, which has gone some way to boosting my ‘looking forward to’ quotient.  I’ve also, since I landed (thump!) back from dreamy Mozambique, put together a list of resolutions, which looks something like this:

Joy board

I did a joy boarding exercise last night, which is a creative couple of hours where you let your mind go and page through various magazines looking for images that make your heart sing (attaching no meaning/judgements to the images that attract you; i.e. no “that’s really materialistic/superficial and so not me”).  These were them, and they (and what they represent) are where my joy is at for 2012. 

 
Not everything is literal (although a man covered in whipped-cream might well be): for instance luxury items may symbolise wealth, upping fees in line with worth, demanding a little more pay for services rendered; while fit bodies could mean getting in shape, or in my case, a more groundedness/rootedness in the body. 
 
It’s a deeply personal activity, and can offer some insights into where you are in your life, where your priorities lie right now, and what you actually really, really want.  And it should leave you feeling happy, joyful and excited for the future.
 
Jen x

Thanks for coming November

28 Nov

This has been a week I’d rather forget (and believe me, I’m all about seeing patterns and learning from them, etc, etc, but damn the last 7 days have kicked my ass!).  In fact November (I usually love November as it’s my birthday month and indicates all sorts of much anticipated things like summer holidays, beaches, sea swimming and sleeping in late), has been a month from hell.  Really.  November 2011 almost had me in the ground (or at least on some serious coping medication).

And the last weekend in November pulled out all the stops and said: “Hey, bitch, you are 30 and awesome and everything, but for fuck sakes can you please sort your shit out!”  Take three ex-boyfriends, one foot-in-mouth friend, too much wine, some insane blasts from the past, a long-desired unrequited flame, a bad case of an inability to say ‘no’ and some wild hormones, and you have the following:

  • Exhaustion on a very basic level (and finally making some decisions because something had to give)
  • A realisation that even when money is good, toxic work environments contaminate your soul (and may led to homicide)
  • Ex-boyfriends arriving in your space literally one behind the other is something to take note of.  Some represent a youthful love that has a special place in your heat always, but is so very far removed from who you are now; some represent something you’ve always wanted, never had, and on reflection may not want at all anymore; and some just leave a bitter-sweet taste in your mouth and a desire to shake your head and shout “Really?! Really?!”. 
  • Being on The Pill is not a joke and the beginning of that journey shouldn’t be taken lightly, because: goodbye contraceptive pill, hello mad moods and a body in turmoil. 
  • When I am unable to practice every morning, I need to reassess.  When I am hating practicing, my body hurts all over and I keep hitting snooze, taking a few days off is ok.
  • Thank God for the lightness of retail (thank you Anthropologie):

 

Vegetarian guilt

13 Nov

I braced myself and watched Earthlings yesterday. Ok, so I watched the trailer, but that was more than enough.  I was 4 seconds in and sobbing, and 20 seconds in I was gagging.  It’s the kind of movie where the images live with you for days afterwards, and part of me wants to jump off a high building because I feel so utterly devastated by the state of the humans in this world.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 16 years and seeing documentaries like this reminds me why I became a vegetarian at 14 and why I still am one.  I’ve never been a preachy veggie, but there are days, like today, where I feel pretty damn militant.  I think the problem is that so many people have no idea where their meat comes from (and it’s not from the meat aisle in Woolies, FYI…) and they remain completely (and mostly by choice) uneducated about the treatment of the world’s animals (and not just in terms of the meat industry: fur, testing on animals, puppy mills, hunting, whaling…it’s an almost inexhaustible list). 

[I get that you like meat, but, really, you like it that much?  And, no, you do not need it. Really.]

And then I get to thinking about my own place in the world, and maybe I need to re-evaluate.  Perhaps being vegetarian is not enough.  I was a vegan for 2 years, many years ago, and damn, veganism is hard work, and shit, I like milk chocolate and dairy products, but maybe that isn’t the point.  Just because it’s hard and hampers my social life, doesn’t mean that I should be eating animal products, or anything that supports the exploitation of animals – maybe it’s about making sacrifices for the things you really believe in.

It also means not buying leather handbags, belts, shoes and flipping gorgeous leather biker jackets; it means being educated about eating locally and sustainably, knowing the lifecycle of the food you consume, recycling, and checking the contents of all the products you use and eat/drink, even if they happen to be products that promise to takes years off your age, or are things you love to eat. 

It becomes completely unnerving if you start to think about the implications of everything you do and everything you buy, and I feel a quite defeated, I have to say.  What impact does my veganism have on the people slamming clubs into seal skulls, or those walking through the litres of terror and blood on abattoir floors every day?

I’m not sure where to next.  Sign up with Green Peace and hope to make a difference in a world consumed by money and small-mindedness, or give it all up and sit atop a mountain in the Himalayas with just the clothes on my back, meditating and living on air and water?

http://www.earthlings.com/swf/preview-earthlings.swf
Make the Connection. EARTHLINGS.com

A change in decades and a decade of changes

3 Nov

This weekend is a birthday weekend.  A 30th birthday weekend.  Here’s what happens when you change digits so monumentally (and turning 30 is a big deal, let nobody tell you otherwise):

  • You realise that you were a jerk at 21 to think that everyone over 26 had one foot in the grave (and that they had life all figured out)
  • You have decided who you love and who you don’t – you have a select group of friends who you respect, admire and who make you laugh.  It’s awesome
  • You’ve had your heart shattered, indulged in some pretty crazy obsessive behaviour (in the name of love of course), usually succumbed to some pretty intense depression, taken some drugs, partied like you should (and thought you should), slept with inappropriate people, kissed people of the same sex for the attention, hated your body, loved your body, mistreated your body
  • You have worked your way through your issues, sometimes paying years’ worth of therapy bills.  You can now eloquently describe your stuff and why it’s there (even if you’re still not sure how not to repeat those same old patterns)
  • You’ve experimented – sexually, with your career, with your diet, with your chemicals, with your style
  • You know what you believe in – things like vegetarianism, living as green a life as possible, buying organic, local and in season
  • You have identified the big loves in your life – the important, significant relationships that you’ll still be thinking about when you are 94.  Maybe they never worked out, but there will always be one or two people that give you goosebumps just thinking about them; people you will love forever
  • You’ve discovered the strength of both hormones and the sun
  • You’ve travelled with just a backpack and haven’t given much thought to putting money away for a rainy day
  • You don’t really care so much what other people think
  • You know what you like, who you are and what you will and won’t accept
  • You also know that what you know isn’t really all that much, and that having an open-mind is your biggest asset
  • You’ve learnt through lengthening and strengthening that all the hype about yoga isn’t just hype
  • You know that people change; everything changes.  All the time.  Your joy is your number one priority. 

I don’t really feel very different to what I did at 27 (that’s the age I still think I am), but I feel way different to what I did at 21 (thank God).  2011 has been a wild but wonderful year – pretty much 3 years in the space of 11 months – and although I didn’t really have a list of things that I ‘would be’ or ‘would have’ at 30, I do feel like my 30th year has been bloody phenomenal, with so many things coming together (sometimes through coming apart).  I by no means have very much figured out, but I can say that I am happy: being the age I am now is flippingawesome.com.

Beyond November

2 Nov

It’s a case of over-commiting and under-delivering, which is not a great place to be as a freelancer.  It’s where I find myself now though, with the end of the year hurtling towards us.

I have a string of jobs on the go, with every minute of every day accounted for.  I also have a whole lot of amazing ideas crashing around my head and I’d love to devote some proper time to them (and get a business plan penned), but there isn’t any.  So I am waiting for the beginning of December when everything should start settling – the schools break for the year (no more kids yoga), one of my contacts ends, and work pretty much starts winding down to shutdown, Kenton, Cape Town and Mozambique.  Holding on!

One thing I’m tying my hardest not to cut (when all I want is more sleep) is my practice. 

Ashtanga is usually practiced in a studio without mirrors, which is something I like.  I’m not terribly fond of the observation of my reflection, although there is something to be said for it, as I discovered:

  • My chaturanga is a bit odd in terms of symmetry and I can’t decide if that’s why my elbows are sore (golfer’s elbow, can you believe it?!  The irony: I go out of my way to avoid golfers, who eat away weekends walking with their mates, chasing little white balls)
  • My practice is different – sometimes I forget (although I say it to my students all the time), but the more you practice, the more your body changes (it’s actually a no-brainer)
  • I have muscles and my body has changed considerably in the last 3 years
  • A look in the mirror really illustrates the point: We can sometimes feel so very different in our body’s to how we look to the world and how the world perceives us
  • A mirror is a distraction: good for alignment and a lightbulb moment, but then it’s better to put aside reflections.  And that goes for every day.  Throw away mirrors and scales :)

Thanks Kino:

A&P

23 Oct

There’s nothing like a weekend of anatomy and physiology to make you appreciate the human body.  It’s a startlingly complex system and it’s amazing that that vast proportion of the body’s processes work pretty much perfectly in so much of the population.  A little page turning in an anatomy and physiology textbook is enough to get you over your cellulite (just about).

What a week!  Female hormones cannot be underestimated, especially those caused by the body readjusting itself after a good 10 years of being on The Pill.  It’s been messy, to say the least, and I’m not sure the next few months are going to be any better.  Here’s what I learnt (in between the crying):

  • I prefer aggressive to passive aggressive
  • I am a freelancer and have my own businesses for very good reasons, many of which relate to being unable to tolerate micromanagement by control freaks and office politics
  • I’m good and proper tired.  I managed to relish in eustress for a good while, but now I’ve hit distress
  • I’m about to embark on a little dietary experiment – I want to cut out all processed goodies and sugar and stimulants, and see what happens to my practice and my mood.  I’m loath to begin the  process though – I know it’s not going to be too much fun – but hopefully the benefits will reveal themselves asap
  • I have a brand new business idea buzzing around my head and I’m getting excited – this might be just the thing to tie everything together (and it’s awesome that it all feels like it’s coming together as I approach 30!)
  • The need for physical contact cannot be underestimated
  • I love this exhibition: HORSE.  It’s the stomping hooves, chomping jaws, soft muzzles, liquid eyes, twitching muscles, flicking tails, hot breath and clip-clop of horse shoes on tar roads that I miss
  • It’s only when people are real, in all their vulnerability and insecurity and fear, that we feel like we really know and love them.  And it’s only when we are real with other people, even if we worry that they’ll think less of us or that we’ll be ‘too much’ or ‘too exposed’ that we become fully present and real ourselves
  • My practice is my number one priority
  • Craniosacral therapy is so very odd – I hate that I’m not “good” at it, that it works almost fully in metaphors that I don’t really get it just yet – CST is based to some extent in medicine and the body’s physical structures, but also so much of it is allegorical, layered, bizarre and inexplicable, while at the same time being sometimes tangible and revealing real results.  It’s straight weird! 

Namaste

Jen

Retreating

4 Oct

My blog has been severely neglected in the last few weeks – a life in hyperdrive! Two weeks ago I was in Mozambique for a week’s yoga retreat with Ekam. It was simply awesome. Here’s what I learnt:

  • Tofo hasn’t changed that much in 8 years (which is great, considering the influx of tourists and the nasty neglectful attitude of most humans)
  • Flying to Inhambane is a wonderful experience – 3 hours later and you’re there
  • I life running a little backpackers in Mozambique is a truly appealing thought
  • Beer in Mozambique is delicious (after a day on the beach especially)
  • There are amazing people in the world
  • Matapa (a spinach/coconut milk mix) is delectable
  • South Africans have some entertaining things to say
  • Heartbreak and its effects cannot be underrated
  • I can sometimes be a little reckless and attach too much meaning to coincidence and connection
  • I’m a flirt (this one I’m still grappling with)
  • Sustained concentration during practice is a tough one for me (don’t even get me started on meditation)
  • Judgmental, egotistical attitudes pervade the more enlightened and those living fearfully in a box
  • Backbends remain my much loved nemesis (“heart open, heart open!”)
  • Timing, timing, timing
  • Joy is the middle point between comfort and discomfort 
  •  Choosing the unavailable is sometimes a way of keeping vulnerability at bay
  • Men who love dogs and kids are a potent sex appeal cocktail
  • Yoga has altered my body image drastically (for the better) but I can still feel incredibly awkward in my skin (there’s a disconnect between internal feeling and external appearance)
  • Talking a big talk is easy

Jen x

It’s all good

10 Aug

Sheesh I’m feeling weird today.  Comes from a public holiday mid-week I guess, and the fact that my heart/head situation is not really that balanced right about now (along with feeling dishevelled in the body department).

Click to make everything ok.  A little easier than the make-everything-ok pill (those buggers are just false advertising)

Jen

Woman’s Day

9 Aug

YAY for breasts and vaginas.

Today is a public holiday, which makes tomorrow feel like a Monday, when in fact it’s a Wednesday, and that makes it a three day week.  Yes.

I very much like being a woman.  Yes indeed.  And since we can do anything men can do, I’m hard-pressed to find anything lacking in my life due to my oestrogen levels.  But if I was a man for a day I’d:

  • get a lot of blowjobs (probably from men and women … for comparative purposes)
  • do a whole bunch of strength based yoga postures which currently piss me off in my slightly less muscled feminine state
  • adjust my balls in public … a lot
  • shave my face just to see what the fuss is all about
  • sleep with a couple of girls and see if sex really is different for a man (i.e. is sex really just sex?)
  • tease my friends and call them abusive names, all in the name of affection and bonding
  • get into a fist fight (or at least a little chest pushing)
  • jerk off
  • count how many times I think about sex in a day
  • test out the lack of male toiletries scenario and how it feels not to wear make-up and not take an hour to get ready for a date
  • Call someone “bru” with a straight face (preferably in the free-weights section of the gym)
  • Indulge in a haircut that costs 10% of my usual snip.

And then the next day when I’m back to being female, I’d play with my boobs for a good few hours, have multiple orgasms and pout and blink to get some man to buy me a drink.  Because that’s all we women do. 

Viva vagina!

Jen xx

What I learnt this weekend

31 Jul

It was quite a weekend.  Here goes:

  • Once again I am reminded about how much I love my friends.  They make me laugh until my face hurts.  And they think I’m funny.  Score.
  • Teaching yoga really is awesome.  I love seeing people experience what I feel, and watching them connecting with their own bodies.
  • Internal dialogues.  Phew.  I made this decision over the weekend: you can choose to be fucked up about something, or not.  I’m choosing not.
  • Things change.  I know that’s not terribly profound, but sometimes I don’t think we really get it.  You can’t live in nostalgia and think the present reality will feel the same as it did in the past.  It really doesn’t.  And sometimes that’s so very sad, and you really miss how things used to feel and be between you and someone else; but maybe the changes also help you to move on.
  • You’ve really got to be pretty damn bloody certain when you marry someone that they satisfy you on all the levels you need to be satisfied on – make sure the big, important boxes are checked.  Otherwise you have a recipe for disaster.
  • No matter how good things feel between you and someone else, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  This is a tough one for the stubborn romantic in me, but I just keep repeating: Never make someone your priority when you are their option.  True story.
  • Sex can just be sex; and then it’s a purely physical process and about satisfying biological needs.  Great sex is about connecting, energy swapping, making oneself vulnerable, sharing, and of course orgasm … and then all the closeness that comes after.  I think the great sex is what we are addicted to – the rush of hormones, the thrill of connecting with someone, the affirmation of reciprocated desire, the elevation beyond biological to the place where you think someone might just get you.  

Jen xx

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