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A&P

23 Oct

There’s nothing like a weekend of anatomy and physiology to make you appreciate the human body.  It’s a startlingly complex system and it’s amazing that that vast proportion of the body’s processes work pretty much perfectly in so much of the population.  A little page turning in an anatomy and physiology textbook is enough to get you over your cellulite (just about).

What a week!  Female hormones cannot be underestimated, especially those caused by the body readjusting itself after a good 10 years of being on The Pill.  It’s been messy, to say the least, and I’m not sure the next few months are going to be any better.  Here’s what I learnt (in between the crying):

  • I prefer aggressive to passive aggressive
  • I am a freelancer and have my own businesses for very good reasons, many of which relate to being unable to tolerate micromanagement by control freaks and office politics
  • I’m good and proper tired.  I managed to relish in eustress for a good while, but now I’ve hit distress
  • I’m about to embark on a little dietary experiment – I want to cut out all processed goodies and sugar and stimulants, and see what happens to my practice and my mood.  I’m loath to begin the  process though – I know it’s not going to be too much fun – but hopefully the benefits will reveal themselves asap
  • I have a brand new business idea buzzing around my head and I’m getting excited – this might be just the thing to tie everything together (and it’s awesome that it all feels like it’s coming together as I approach 30!)
  • The need for physical contact cannot be underestimated
  • I love this exhibition: HORSE.  It’s the stomping hooves, chomping jaws, soft muzzles, liquid eyes, twitching muscles, flicking tails, hot breath and clip-clop of horse shoes on tar roads that I miss
  • It’s only when people are real, in all their vulnerability and insecurity and fear, that we feel like we really know and love them.  And it’s only when we are real with other people, even if we worry that they’ll think less of us or that we’ll be ‘too much’ or ‘too exposed’ that we become fully present and real ourselves
  • My practice is my number one priority
  • Craniosacral therapy is so very odd – I hate that I’m not “good” at it, that it works almost fully in metaphors that I don’t really get it just yet – CST is based to some extent in medicine and the body’s physical structures, but also so much of it is allegorical, layered, bizarre and inexplicable, while at the same time being sometimes tangible and revealing real results.  It’s straight weird! 

Namaste

Jen

Retreating

4 Oct

My blog has been severely neglected in the last few weeks – a life in hyperdrive! Two weeks ago I was in Mozambique for a week’s yoga retreat with Ekam. It was simply awesome. Here’s what I learnt:

  • Tofo hasn’t changed that much in 8 years (which is great, considering the influx of tourists and the nasty neglectful attitude of most humans)
  • Flying to Inhambane is a wonderful experience – 3 hours later and you’re there
  • I life running a little backpackers in Mozambique is a truly appealing thought
  • Beer in Mozambique is delicious (after a day on the beach especially)
  • There are amazing people in the world
  • Matapa (a spinach/coconut milk mix) is delectable
  • South Africans have some entertaining things to say
  • Heartbreak and its effects cannot be underrated
  • I can sometimes be a little reckless and attach too much meaning to coincidence and connection
  • I’m a flirt (this one I’m still grappling with)
  • Sustained concentration during practice is a tough one for me (don’t even get me started on meditation)
  • Judgmental, egotistical attitudes pervade the more enlightened and those living fearfully in a box
  • Backbends remain my much loved nemesis (“heart open, heart open!”)
  • Timing, timing, timing
  • Joy is the middle point between comfort and discomfort 
  •  Choosing the unavailable is sometimes a way of keeping vulnerability at bay
  • Men who love dogs and kids are a potent sex appeal cocktail
  • Yoga has altered my body image drastically (for the better) but I can still feel incredibly awkward in my skin (there’s a disconnect between internal feeling and external appearance)
  • Talking a big talk is easy

Jen x

It’s all good

10 Aug

Sheesh I’m feeling weird today.  Comes from a public holiday mid-week I guess, and the fact that my heart/head situation is not really that balanced right about now (along with feeling dishevelled in the body department).

Click to make everything ok.  A little easier than the make-everything-ok pill (those buggers are just false advertising)

Jen

Woman’s Day

9 Aug

YAY for breasts and vaginas.

Today is a public holiday, which makes tomorrow feel like a Monday, when in fact it’s a Wednesday, and that makes it a three day week.  Yes.

I very much like being a woman.  Yes indeed.  And since we can do anything men can do, I’m hard-pressed to find anything lacking in my life due to my oestrogen levels.  But if I was a man for a day I’d:

  • get a lot of blowjobs (probably from men and women … for comparative purposes)
  • do a whole bunch of strength based yoga postures which currently piss me off in my slightly less muscled feminine state
  • adjust my balls in public … a lot
  • shave my face just to see what the fuss is all about
  • sleep with a couple of girls and see if sex really is different for a man (i.e. is sex really just sex?)
  • tease my friends and call them abusive names, all in the name of affection and bonding
  • get into a fist fight (or at least a little chest pushing)
  • jerk off
  • count how many times I think about sex in a day
  • test out the lack of male toiletries scenario and how it feels not to wear make-up and not take an hour to get ready for a date
  • Call someone “bru” with a straight face (preferably in the free-weights section of the gym)
  • Indulge in a haircut that costs 10% of my usual snip.

And then the next day when I’m back to being female, I’d play with my boobs for a good few hours, have multiple orgasms and pout and blink to get some man to buy me a drink.  Because that’s all we women do. 

Viva vagina!

Jen xx

What I learnt this weekend

31 Jul

It was quite a weekend.  Here goes:

  • Once again I am reminded about how much I love my friends.  They make me laugh until my face hurts.  And they think I’m funny.  Score.
  • Teaching yoga really is awesome.  I love seeing people experience what I feel, and watching them connecting with their own bodies.
  • Internal dialogues.  Phew.  I made this decision over the weekend: you can choose to be fucked up about something, or not.  I’m choosing not.
  • Things change.  I know that’s not terribly profound, but sometimes I don’t think we really get it.  You can’t live in nostalgia and think the present reality will feel the same as it did in the past.  It really doesn’t.  And sometimes that’s so very sad, and you really miss how things used to feel and be between you and someone else; but maybe the changes also help you to move on.
  • You’ve really got to be pretty damn bloody certain when you marry someone that they satisfy you on all the levels you need to be satisfied on – make sure the big, important boxes are checked.  Otherwise you have a recipe for disaster.
  • No matter how good things feel between you and someone else, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  This is a tough one for the stubborn romantic in me, but I just keep repeating: Never make someone your priority when you are their option.  True story.
  • Sex can just be sex; and then it’s a purely physical process and about satisfying biological needs.  Great sex is about connecting, energy swapping, making oneself vulnerable, sharing, and of course orgasm … and then all the closeness that comes after.  I think the great sex is what we are addicted to – the rush of hormones, the thrill of connecting with someone, the affirmation of reciprocated desire, the elevation beyond biological to the place where you think someone might just get you.  

Jen xx

Internal dialogue

27 Jul

A very wise friend said some very wise things to me last night, one of which was this: “None of us are parented the exact way we would’ve liked.  Parenting just doesn’t work like that.  What that allows though is a deep understanding of the things we would’ve liked our parents to do, and so allows us to know just how we’d like to be loved. In that sense the best advice I can ever give anyone is to treat yourself as you would treat your own child – it’s very likely that you’ll offer your own child as much loving support as they need, and that you’d never speak to your own child with the same tone and same harsh words as your speak to yourself.”

I know from talking to my own mother that she thinks I’m pretty damn awesome, and I think that can be said for most moms and dads out there – my mom just wants me to be happy, whatever that entails.  From now on I’m going to try my very best to monitor my internal dialogue, the one that can be so very damaging and violent, saying things to myself that I’d probably never say to my worst enemy.

Jen x

No yoga, no smile

20 Jul

I just could not get up for yoga this morning.  I had so many good intentions, and then I woke up shivering in my bed at 6am … shivering!  Seems it dropped a whole lot of degrees this morning and my alarm (which is the sound of trickling water that gradually turns into a tractor ploughing through a raging river) was not on the winning team.  Crap.  It always feels like the better option when I’m under my duvet, the outside air is frigid and I’m feeling “exhausted”, but on waking 90 minutes later, it really does not feel so good.  In fact it is almost always disappointing that I didn’t get my ass out of bed and onto my mat, and I have that glum, bummed-out feeling for the rest of the day. 

The trick is to remember that when the voice that advocates sleep at all costs starts nattering in my ear!

These from Garance made me smile this morning (despite being in the no-yoga zone).  Love advice (some of which should be avoided at all costs!):

  • If you want to seduce a man, pretend like you’re redoing your lipstick while sucking on and licking your finger. (Hopefully you are also 16 …)
  • If you’re curious whether or not you’re in love with your man, cheat on him. If you don’t feel guilty at all, you don’t love him anymore. If you feel guilty, then it’s love and don’t worry he’ll never know you did it. ( I have to say, there is a little logic here)
  • For the first date, always carry a wig and dark sunglasses in your bag. That way, if it’s awful, excuse yourself to the bathroom, don your disguise and GTFO!!! He’ll never know. (Er … he may indeed notice)
  • Just be distant and a little jaded. (Been there, done that)
  • Just give him some space. He’ll come back. (Yessss … except I’m still waiting …)
  • Find a guy. Get yourself right in front of him and simply say, “Wanna fuck?” Works every time. (They are so damn easy)
  • If you want to know if he’s the right guy, it’s like with clothes. You have to try him to know if he’s good on you. (Totally agree)
  • Don’t worry, he won’t do that after you’re married. (LOL … old dog, new tricks?)
  • He’s not that ugly. Just wait you’ll get used to it. (I bet he’s a lovely person!)
  • We should have a baby, but keep living in our separate apartments. That’s how they do it in Europe. I think it would help our relationship. (Ah, sweet, he loves me, he really does)
  • If you want unconditional love, buy yourself a dog!
  • Every night I tell Xavier that he’s quite the lucky man to have married me. And can you even imagine, he totally believes it! (Absolutely … I’ve heard this exact advice from a gorgeous, sexy Lithuanian friend … the thing is that she totally believes it herself, and that her man would really be an complete sad sack without her … which of course he would!)

right and wrong

19 Jul

 

Sometimes the really big questions pop up and it’s hard to ignore them.  Like for instance how do we decide what’s right and what’s wrong.  Take something big – like cheating – and ask the big question: Is it wrong to cheat on your partner?

The answer from most people is YES. But the question is why.  Do we base our answers on religion’s ideas of right and wrong, on society’s, on the opinions of the people who we admire and want to be loved by?  Undoubtedly many of the things we’ve thought were ok in the past, we believed in them (flat world anyone?), are now seen as just the opposite, and believing something is wrong ”just because it is”, the majority of the population believes it, or because it says so in the bible, doesn’t really hold water with me. 

I want to know why; I want a little more on the proof side of things.  But I’m not really sure there is an answer that is TRUE, and certainly, that is true for everyone. Science cannot prove that cheating is wrong.  In fact probably according to science and human biology, monogamy is not sustainable.  So that leaves us with the tricky question of ethics and morals.  Does the ‘badness’ of cheating rest in its duplicity, and if so, does swinging and polygamy then become the viable alternative?  Should we live individualistically and take what we want, because actually one cannot prove heaven/hell and karma exist (and if we don’t believe in them should we live by their rules?)?

Or does the ‘right/wrong’ exist in the way it makes one feel?  And is that then fear-based?  I know that if I cheated on a (mystical) boyfriend I’d feel guilt-ridden and apprehensive… probably because: if he knew he’d be hurt; I would be defying accepted regulations on how relationships are supposed to be; if the people close to me found out they would judge the cheating and most likely be disappointed in me; and he might end the relationship. 

I believe that these ‘norms’ need to be interrogated, that we cannot accept ways of living just because the society we live in sees them as right or wrong.  But then again, imagine a world without rules: it would be one crazy place!

 

Listen up self!

13 Jul

A friend posted the question on facebook yesterday “What would you tell your next reincarnation?” or, along the same lines, what would you tell your 10-year-old self if you could?

It’s an interesting one, and got me thinking.  Self, just so you know:

  • Get a yoga mat and practice
  • Men are really not the be all and end all.  Relationships are nice but damn they are hard work.  Friends are where it’s at.  And the ability to enjoy one’s own company.
  • Hormones will get you into trouble … sometimes the best kind of trouble that still gives you goosebumps years later.
  • Try and be as open-minded as possible and always check why you are really making the judgements you are.  Most times it’s about you and not anyone else.
  • Chocolate is a happy food.
  • Pets are not to be underrated. 
  • Work through your issues – childhood or whatever – there are professionals to help who know what they are talking about.
  • Love your body: it’s a work of beautiful science and mechanics.  Use it or lose it.  Feed and care for yourself as you would your own child.
  • Nothing is really ever the end of the world (of course unless it really is the end of the world, which is another story entirely …).
  • Commit to something/someone entirely, every time … at least you’ll know immediately if you are barking up the wrong tree.
  • Fresh flowers and high thread-count cotton sheets … luxury.
  • Things change. Relationships end.  And there is never just one option.  The only way out is through.
  • Hug.  Love.  Touch.
  • Fear fades in the doing of something scary.  It lives in the anticipation.
  • Never make someone your priority when you are their option.
  • Educate yourself.  Have informed opinions.  Ignorance means you are asleep.

What would your words of wisdom be?

Jen

xx

The Journey, a poem by David Whyte

27 Jun

Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again

Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.

Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving
you are arriving.

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