So here’s what’s been happening, yoga-wise.

• Intermediate series has it’s moments of magic.  I’ve split my practice and am now going into intermediate after parsvottonasana, which was an adjustment – I felt very attached to the full standing sequence and even more attached to the full primary sequence.  The thing is though, that by the time I got to pincha mayurasana in intermediate, I was properly exhausted.  Splitting my practice has been an adjustment, with a certain amount of ego dampening (“But am I working hard enough?!’) and letting go, but I get it now.
• Intermediate series makes me nauseous and anxious and a little dizzy.  Grabbing my heels in kapotasana (without assistance, or flaring out one elbow in order to make the mad, fumbling grab) remains an exercise in patience … and a lot of talking down from a very scared place.
• Olivier had me walking up walls with my feet and building strength in both pincha and handstands (I still have visions of my shoulders turning into those of a rugby player’s).  Truth be told, my shirts are tighter over my back and biceps.  It’s all a bit disconcerting really … although it’s bound to happen, right?  Anyway, I had a moment in pincha the other day, a moment when I felt that sweet spot and did not touch the wall behind me.  Not once!  Some days are like that the very first time … others require a little more (a lot more) practise.
• I’m still struggling with laghu vajrasana … I’m either hovering my head above the floor and managing to come back up, or stuck to the mat with no hope of ever returning to an upright position. Bah.

I’m reminded sometimes (when I’m panicked or wholly distracted during my practice) when I first started primary series – when there was no space in my head for anything other than “breathe!” or “just one more chaturanga, you can do it!”.  Now it’s much easier physically to get through a practice, and much, much harder mentally to keep my chattering mind in check.

Our bodies are constantly changing, minute by minute, cell by cell.  I guess it’s this change, the impermanence, of our bodies, and the world, that is both comforting (I’ll get my legs comfortably behind my head one day), and at the same time terribly frightening.

I think I’ll just leave it as a yoga check-in for today.  The rest of my life is suffused in anxiety, fuelled I think by the run up to my 31st birthday – balancing on my forearms seems the easiest part of my day 🙂